I suppose in some corners of the Third World, soccer, aka football (I prefer futbol because it seems more elitist) is a big deal. Every 4 years, like the junior varsity locust swarm, the World Cup is contested. I’d say played, but the soccer folk seem to like renaming things, I’m convinced, to troll me personally. Or maybe they do it so the enthusiasts can sound even more insufferable than they already do. For instance:
It’s not a field, it’s a pitch. Ironically, it is not pitched like a roof but very flat. Come to think of it, I might watch more often if it was pitched, let’s say, 33 degrees like the turns at the Daytona International Speedway. When us colonists hear the word pitch in a sports context, we think of a baseball being hurled towards a batter. Aside from the inbound toss, nothing is thrown. Well, I take that back. There are more temper tantrums thrown in a typical soccer match than in a Target full of spoiled toddlers.
The game, as it properly should be called, is a match. I’ll give them a little leeway on this one, because other sports do the same. Aficionados refer to soccer as the “beautiful game”, not match, so if they seem confused on what to call it, shouldn’t we all?
The players wear kits, not uniforms. I don’t know the origin of this and I don’t care enough to find out. When I was a kid, I put together plastic car model kits. Remember the glue that was sold to kids in those days? Probably not, if you built a lot of models. Those brain cells lost in the construction of Grandpa Munster’s “Dragula” are long gone. Good riddance! Many objects come in kits. I’d name a few, but again, I don’t feel like looking them up. When were kits something to put on? I don’t feel like the great unwashed wearing their pajamas at the dollar store call them a kit.
I haven’t even mentioned the actual game, ahem, match, yet. From what I’ve observed, players falling to the “pitch” like they were hit in the back of the head with a croquet mallet is an integral part of competition. I think there’s a law of physics that states for every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. So when player A barely brushes up against player B’s “kit”, player B hits the deck, grabbing an appendage while writhing in pain. Chances are player B will be stretchered off the pitch. Moments later, player B gets up, limps around for a while, and gets back to playing like nothing ever happened. Either we watched a miraculous healing or player B has a heavy dusting of theatre (notice the spelling?) kid in him, much like all the players on the pitch. Mix in a referee who thinks the stadium is packed to watch him sporadically wave a flag and show colored cards to angry foreigners, and you’ve got a very bemused viewer, I’ll tell you that.
The game I was watching on the plane home, because I won’t besmirch my own TV with soccer, was a real barn burner I’m told, ending in a 1-0 victory. YOWZA! I remember when I enjoyed watching the Beautiful Game during the days of vuvuzelas and hooliganism. Better times, amirite? I suppose I was more interested in the off-field (off-pitch, technically) shenanigans then the match, but that’s just me.
At the end of the tournament, or whatever they call it, a country’s team will hoist the Cup. After the victory is celebrated or lamented, depending on which team/country you were rooting for, we wait another 4 years to see who will reign as the next World Cup champions. I can assure you I won’t be marking the days on my sports calendar . But others, even millions of others, will. Different strokes for different folks, I reckon.
I’d rather watch a sports car race while standing or sitting in really hot, bitterly cold, or stormy weather than view a soccer game (come at me, Kylian Mbappé) from the comfort of my couch. But I understand, and begrudgingly appreciate, those that prefer soccer. I work with some, for crying out loud. And while we might battle over the one remote if there was only one universal TV, we can, and should come together for more important goals, those that reverberate through eternity. And I did say goals plural, which are more than most futbol matches. Just sayin’.
(Click “Stand on Firmer Ground” for a deeper look into The Beautiful Game)